Welcome to #HipHopFanFic, where we take the biggest headlines in hip-hop and re-imagine how they went really down. This week we take a look at Wu-Tang Clan’s RZA and Raekwon’s recent beef and why the latter went on strike against his own group.
Illustration by Jeremy Nguyen exclusively for WatchLOUD.com
“YO, YOU HAVE THIRTY DAYS. U IN OR U OUT?” Raekwon read on his iPhone. He rolled his eyes. This was sooo typical RZA. Raekwon was pretty sure he got this news in a Google Alert before RZA even texted him about it. GZA totally sent Raekwon a YouTube video of an interview for that stupid Parkour movie and RZA said, verbatim: “Nah man I’m not gonna talk about that Raekwon shit except to say he’s an idiot and selfish and stupid and I can’t meet his outrageous demands.”
What was so wrong with having snack-size bags of Doritos at the studio? Was that really so outrageous? RZA had to have it his way aallll the time: when it came to snacks, when it came to music, when it came to people’s feelings. He was a control freak. Raekwon had feelings, too, which RZA never noticed, because RZA’s entire world consisted only of RZA.
Raekwon got a text from Ghostface: “jus tell him whut he need 2 hear u kno how he get :(.”
Raekwon turned his phone off and put it at the very top of his closet underneath all his multicolored durags so he wouldn’t be tempted to check it. Man, why did people always text him to apologize to RZA and not the other way around? It wasn’t fair. Raekwon hated being reasonable, it was getting him nowhere in life.
Raekwon turned on “Scandal” and ate, like, ten of those chocolate dipped Milano cookies. Okay, one last thing, he thought, and he would turn his phone off for real. He went to his closet and climbed on top of his gold-plated Jordan collection pyramid to retrieve his phone. He opened up the Wu-Tang group text: “YO, just b/c I don’t do terrible kung-fu movies doesn’t mean I’m not an ARTISTIC GENIUS. doritos snack size bags or I ain’t doing N E thing and we all kno it ain’t Wu-Tang w/o Raekwon.”
He never stood up for himself. Quickly, he added, “RIP ODB.” Rae turned his phone off and sat back. He was gonna go in the hot tub and read “The Hunger Games.” He deserved some him time.—Kate Shapiro