Rihanna Sits Poolside, Contemplates Making the Switch to Twitpic and Sends Drake to Voicemail: #HipHopFanFic


Welcome to #HipHopFanFic, where we take the biggest headlines in hip-hop and re-imagine how they went really down. This week we take a look at Rihanna’s unsuccessful campaign to share nudes on Instagram.

Written by Kate Shapiro | Illustration by Jeremy Nguyen exclusively for


“U go girl #freethenipple,” Rihanna texted her assistant to text Scout Willis. Scout had just posted pics of her topless in NYC to protest Instagram’s unwillingness to let women share their boobs with the world. Why did people get to share bullshit pictures of their lunches all the time and Rihanna didn’t get to share the breathtaking beauty of the female form?

Rihanna lounged in a big inflatable chair in her infinity pool drinking Tequila, smoking a joint and just chilling out. She would Instagram this totally dope moment but Instagram had banned her. Again. What a bunch of fascists.

Rihanna felt like this country wasn’t on her level yet. How could people be totally fine with countless depictions of death on network TV every night yet couldn’t bear the thought of seeing a nipple or two? She just thought if people could Instagram war, their breakfasts and hand surgery post-op pics then she should be able to honor her own body by taking tasteful nudes. Maybe with the Valencia filter?

Whatever, she wasn’t trying to make a statement, Rihanna just wished people would let her chill. Maybe she would move to France. It worked for Kanye. She could make an album with Daft Punk. Those guys were hella weird but they made dope beats. She motioned to her assistant to refill her Solo cup. Four shirtless dudes floated past her, napping and sunning their perfect abs. She’d do a body shot with them later if she felt up to it. Who knows.

Her phone rang, she looked at it. Drake. Again. She sighed and ignored it. Maybe he would get the hint one day. Then again, when has Drake ever gotten the hint? Rihanna was going to hit up Shakira tonight. She was always down to party. Maybe they’d take the private jet to Cabo and post twit pics with impunity.

Rihanna closed her eyes, it was tiring changing the world all by yourself.


#HipHopFanFic Archive:

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