Unsolicited Advice

Dear French…Montana That Is, We’re Offering Some Pointers On How to Keep Up with The Kardashians: Unsolicited Advice

french montata

Dear French Montana,

You did it.  You finally sold your soul to the devil.

You’re a smart guy, so I’m assuming you know the rule:  start dating one of them and you start dating all of them. I’m not saying that Khloe isn’t a great girl, I’m sure she’s a lot of fun (I mean her ass though…) but they’re cursed, French. Let’s take a trip down memory lane into the former flames of what are the Kardashians:

Ray J, Kris Humphries, Reggie Bush, and of course your competition, Lamar Odom, all ended in disaster. Please don’t be another name to add onto their Wikipedia pages. Pinky promise?

Though I must admit that if I had to list them in order of favorite to least Khlo-Money would top the list, but do you really want to go through this hell? You’re young and your career is still pretty fresh in the books so let’s not ruin it with an appearance on the most useless reality TV show of all time. And when I say useless I literally mean useless.

But, if you must insist on dating her, the only thing I can offer you is some advice to keep yourself away from the path to self-destruction.

1. Stay off the show. You don’t want to be caught up in the stupid drama that no one ever cares about. It’ll only make for bad press and you’ll look like a dumb ass once your relationship ends (which is totally inevitable).

2. Keep it on the down low. Keeping a low profile will help people (like me) forget that you two are in a relationship so that we don’t have to be reminded of it 24/7. That goes for PDA too…nobody wants to see that shit.

3. Stop matching your accessories. Matching couples watches are freaking cheesy. You’re gonna look back on that one and want to slap yourself for even considering it.

4. Don’t let momager get to you. Yes I am talking about Kris fucking Jenner. To her, you’re probably just another crown jewel to add to the “famous boyfriends” list.  If anything you’re being used for publicity and she’s probably rolling around in her new mountain of cash as we speak. Stay as far away from her as humanly possible. I’m warning you.

So, I’m just going to pretend none of this is real as they probably tricked you into a contract for Keeping Up with the Kardashians. If you have any shred of self-respect left…Get. Out. Now.

It was too late for the others, but you still have a chance!

Yours truly,


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