Celebrity

Dear Jeremy Meeks A.K.A. #FelonBae, Cash Out or Keep It Real: Unsolicited Advice

sexy-blue-eyes

Dear Mr. Sexy Blue Eyes A.K.A Felon Bae,

Oh you have a real name don’t you…Jeremy Meeks, is it?  Well I hope you don’t mind but I’m just going to call you Mr. Sexy Blue Eyes because it’s hotter.  Who am I kidding? Of course you don’t mind, you’re going to prison soon anyway…

I realize you’re getting locked up and what not for your involvement in gang activity and shootings and whatever, but a little advice wont hurt for when your day of freedom finally comes, right?  You still have time to turn your life around! That and a string of ladies is currently raising money for your bail so you might still have time to make a run for it, but if the cops catch your ass I had nothing to do with this.  But I mean let’s be real for a second…no one has the heart to keep those beautiful oceans of blue from the world forever.

So Mr. Sexy Blue Eyes, I am not one to turn a person down in their time of need and because I’m such a good-willed human being I’m giving you a few pointers to kick your new found fame into high gear!

1. For starters, I suggest getting an agent upon release.  Let me tell ya, you are irresistible model material. Use it to your advantage.  I can totally envision your face on an Armani Underwear ad above my bed …5th Avenue.

2. Please do not add any more tats to your beautiful face.  I’m just gonna ignore the whole teardrop thing for now, but maybe you should look into some laser treatments to get that removed…

3. Model Pro Tip:  Washboard abs are a MUST.  And since you’re going to have a lot of free time on your hands, put it to good use and get those muscles into shape!  Also – if you need a personal trainer, I will gladly volunteer as tribute on behalf of the female population.

4. I’m not going to lie to you, once you reach superstar status, a lot of people are going to throw themselves at you…take advantage and abuse the shit out of that power.  But keep in mind that you’ll probably be on probation, so try not to commit any felonies…okay?

In the mean time, I believe you have some serious work to do.  Write thank you notes to the news stations for posting your photo, practice your modeling poses, build up your abs (not that I doubt you already have some serious steel going on there, but I’m just saying). Most importantly, stay away from other inmates during your time away.  You’re probably going to be very, very popular in there.

I’m sure you can find Chris Brown somewhere in the slammer…cause he’s definitely going back…he can give you extra pointers too.

Yours truly,

S

More Unsolicited Advice: Azealia Banks | Robin Thicke | French Montana

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