Unsolicited Advice

Dear Chris Brown, We Need You to Get It Together…WITHOUT Rihanna: Unsolicited Advice


Dear Chris Brown,

Welcome back to the real world!

I recently heard that even though you got a small taste for what it’s like to have your freedom stripped from you, you’ve still decided to “cut loose” right after being released.

Let’s review what happened every time you “cut loose” shall we?

You physically assaulted, Drake, Frank Ocean, Tony Parker, some fans, a few windows, oh and let’s not forget about the one that got you locked up in the first place…Rihanna.

Granted, it was probably just a welcome home thing but you just can’t resist a good party, can you?  Thank God you have your amazing girlfriend, Karrueche (bless her soul) to keep a tight leash on you.

What you need my friend, is some re-inventing.  Currently, you look like a douche.  But because I care about you, I think it’s time that I give you some tips to help you rebuild your image.

1. Quit pissing people off:  Specifically your neighbors. Remember you don’t need the negative publicity. I guess it’s a good thing you’ve opted to sell your graffiti bachelor pad.  This time try opting for something a little more low-key where you can focus on rebuilding your image and on making a comeback. Try somewhere underground…away from human civilization…far, far away…

2. Stick to the music:  Not the part with the drugs.  I know lots of greats do them, but it’s not something you need at the moment.  Try putting that energy into your new album.  Seriously, it’s about time we get a new hit from you. I mean, I know you’ve been incarcerated and all, but come on. There’s gotta be something in the stash.

3. Get over the past:  It’s time for a cleansing.  Get over Rihanna!  You are so beyond lucky and don’t deserve a girlfriend like Karrueche, but by the looks of it she’s not going anywhere.  So, let’s examine the tape…shall we? While RiRi was running around playing tonsil hockey with Drake, Karrueche stuck by your side – and threw you a SURPRISE Welcome Home Party!  “These hoes ain’t loyal”, you say?  Obviously the Rueche is.  No need to throw a hissy-fit about her partying without you while you were in the slammer.   You’re lucky she stuck around.  It’s time to get over it.

4. Hit the Gym.  Ok, I shouldn’t be one to judge here, but I really miss the days when I was able to dream about licking the sweat off your washboard abs.  I want to be able to dream again.  Don’t you care about your fans?!

It’s time to enter the big-boy-world, Chris.  Except this time, let’s try to stay out of prison…deal?

Yours truly,


More Unsolicited Advice: Jeremy ‘FelonBae’ MeeksAzealia Banks | Robin Thicke 

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