Movies

We Read Every Review of The New ‘Transformers’ Movie So You Didn’t Have To. Here’s The Verdict…

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I remember watching the previews for Transformers: Age of Extinction months ago and while I don’t remember what movie I was watching then, I do remember being utterly excited for this new movie. It’s funny because I actually saw the sequel first. Talk about ass backwards. Needless to say, I enjoyed it a lot more. (I fell asleep during the original movie, but that’s beyond the point). The point is that with every new sequel, excitement arises and so it’s rather disappointing to read the many crappy reviews.

The first fall hits home when we realize there’s no Shia LaBeouf. What’s a Transformers movie with no Shia LaBeouf for crying out loud? However, to Michael Bay’s defense he did come back strong after cutting Megan Fox so who’s to say Mark Wahlberg wouldn’t be equally as awesome to look at?

I’m on the fence about this 165 minute film only because I’m not quite sure what to expect, but as we look back at the first three movies can we ever really say we’ve been disappointed? Reviewers are stating this movie is nothing new…bla-bla-bla. Has Fast & Furious ever developed a new concept? There’s cars, speed and chases. In a similar fashion Transformers movies will always have good robots, bad robots, threats and a war. I’m opting in, but that’s just me. Behold, the [shitty] reviews.

NewYorkTimes: “It reminds you what these movies are really about: a boy at play, reveling in the creative and destructive power, and the glorious uselessness, of his own imagination.”

Miami Herald: “[A] visually stunning, technically impressive and crushingly dumb and overlong picture.”

Washington Post: “The problem is quantity. There are so many action sequences related to so many story lines that midway through an epic fight, you might find yourself wondering what exactly started this particular battle and what the objective is other than destruction for the sake of it.”
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Los Angeles Times: “Let’s say “Bayed,” as in “being Bayed,” is the core principle at work in the films. In general, being Bayed means being beaten, blasted, bashed, crushed, melted, morphed, reconstituted and remade over and over and over again.”
USA Today: “Deafening, deadening and about two hours too long, Extinction would mark the weakest installment yet of the 7-year-old Hasbro franchise — if the previous three movies were discernible from one another.”

The Hollywood Reporter: “Belying its ominous title, Age of Extinction barely skirts the idea that humankind and planet Earth are about to be totally annihilated. What is extinguished is the audience’s consciousness after being bombarded for nearly three hours with overwrought emotions…bad one-liners and battles that rarely rise above the banal.”

Boston Globe: “One thing you have to give Bay credit for: He has a knack for bringing A-list talent down to his level. Like Mark Wahlberg, Oscar nominee for “The Fighter” and “The Departed.””

Chicago Sun-Times“Age of Extinction is just another warmed-over, cynical, ATM machine of a movie. It’s soulless eye candy.”

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RottenTomatoes“While believable characters are hard to come by in Transformers, the effects are staggering and the action is exhilarating.”

Time: “Nothing coheres. Movies usually try to come together at the end; this one falls apart. If that’s Bay intention, then cinema has finally entered its Age of Extinction.”

RollingStone: “Bay, with the help of screenwriter Ehren Kruger, is telling the same damn story as he did before. But this time he’s taking more time than ever to do it. Just shy of three hours, Transformers: Age of Extinction, whether you see it in 2D, 3D or IMAX 3D, is a punishing endurance test. Even fans of the series, and they are legion, must know that the Hasbro toys that inspired the films have more complexity and feeling.”

Variety: “It’s the robots — endowed here with character-rich physicality and almost human-scaled facial features — who give the film its emotional heft.”
New York Daily News: “If you’re not an 11-year-old boy, or a grown-up in the mood to feel like one, the endless “wow!-that-car-is-now-a-deep-voiced-robot” scenes lack thrill. In fact, the action scenes, as in the previous films, are downright headache-inducing.”

Forbes: “If you’re looking for the film that makes the Transformers the real main characters and gives them the best part of the story and the best, most resonant arcs, then Age of Extinction is your ticket.”

SFGate“Imagine if instead of creating new music, a recording artist kept putting out the exact same album, just playing the songs a little louder each time. That’s what it feels like watching ‘Transformers: Age of Extinction.'”

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