Welcome to #HipHopFanFic, where we take the biggest headlines in hip-hop and re-imagine how they went really down. This week we take a look at Robin Thicke’s new single “Get Her Back”, about his estranged (and reportedly fed up!) wife, actress Paula Patton. By Kate Shapiro | Illustration exclusively for WatchLOUD by Jeremy Nguyen
When Robin Thicke broke up with Paula (after she, of course, kicked him out of the house first) he thought it would be easier to forget about her. He was actually kinda, sorta famous now and he figured that boning all the beautiful women who were too good for him ten years ago would be really fun. Turns out he just wanted to bone one beautiful woman and that woman was Paula. Oops.
Robin sent Paula another text message. Even though he was pretty sure she blocked his number he still sent them. This was his 203rd message tonight. It said “I hate myself.” Why wouldn’t she message him back? They had been together so long, why would she block his number? He knew they broke up months ago but it only now did he fully understood he lost her and how stupid he was.
He just needed to explain this to her. He checked Gchat. Maybe she was on Gchat. He opened his laptop. She was! Maybe her phone died or something and that’s why she hadn’t gotten his frantic misspelled texts! He took another chug of $9 Chianti and said “hi.” He waited. 20 minutes later she didn’t even say anything. He took another chug of Chianti, took half a Kolonopin and finally said: “If you’re going to ignore me you may as well just block me because seeing that you’re online is sending me into emotional turmoil.”
Her icon turned from green to red. What could she possibly be doing that was more important than him? The one thing he had learned in his 37 years on this Earth is that nobody was ever really busy.
To be honest, he was also bummed because he wasn’t all that famous anymore. Last summer was soooo amazing. “Blurred Lines” was the biggest hit of all time. He was constantly being booked, traveling the world, doing interviews. There was the VMA performance with Miley Cyrus, the after-party of the VMAs with Miley Cyrus, the after-after-party of the VMAs with Miley Cyrus. That was a year ago, though, and now nobody called him to perform at award shows. Nobody was inviting him to yacht parties, he was alone in the world.
Why had none of his other singles hit it big like “Blurred Lines” yet? He sent a Snapchat to Paula of his chiseled nude body in the bathroom mirror. He set the time to 3 seconds. Just enough time for her to really see him and remember how much she missed him. He sent another Snap of a tear falling gracefully down his cheek.
Suddenly he had an idea: whatifhesentthisSnaptothewholeworld? What if he sang songs about Paula and put it on national television?! WHAT IF HE MADE ALL OF HIS LONG, TEAR EMAILS INTO A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR ALBUM?!
Maybe Pharrell would hop on a track again. Or Dr. Dre. Shoot, why not Drake. Then she would HAVE to text him back. Even if she didn’t, at least somebody would pay attention to him. He put on his clothes, grabbed some Mike’s Hard Lemonade and some Oreos and headed to the studio. It was time to make art. That would win her back for sure.