Dear Shia LaBeouf,
Welcome to rock bottom, where everything is seriously shittier.
I can’t seem to wrap my head around this whole new Shia LaBeouf image you’ve got going on. I’m not kidding when I say there was a time when I swore I was going to marry you, but it looks like that ship has sailed because now you look like a dirty hobo who has nothing better to do with his time than to drink it into oblivion and pick fights outside of strip clubs…lame.
I’m sorry, but if you think it’s badass to get arrested during a performance of Cabaret, you are seriously going senile. That is probably the lamest excuse on your record. I mean you know it’s bad when Liza Minnelli has to send you a copy of Cabaret to send the message that you need help.
You’re coming in hot competing with the Biebs for the title of “Celebrity Dumb-Ass,” but I’m here to help so let’s make sure that doesn’t happen. Here’s the game plan:
1. Rehab. I know you’re being treated for “alcohol addiction” (whatever that means), but I have a feeling alcohol isn’t your problem. You need like full serious mental help where you can check into a nice little resort and sort out all of your issues…away from human contact. It’s best for you and more importantly…best for us.
2. Attitude adjustment. I have no clue in hell why you would ever decide to quit your epic roll in the new Transformers movies, but you did…and look where that got you—another sanction to your criminal file and plagiarism accusations. So, you need to go ahead and start acting more like your character Sam Witwicky and less like…Shia LaBeouf.
3. Makeover. Shave the beard. Lose the gut. Take a shower. Sew up the holes in your shirt or better yet, BUY a new shirt. Stop wearing bags over your head to prove a point. The only point you’re proving is that you’ve got a few loose screws up there in that brain of yours.
4. Go back to film. You obviously suck at writing screenplays because you just steal everyone else’s shit so I advise going back to actual acting. The last good movie you put out was Transformers, which was close to 4 years ago. Your IMDB record is looking a tad flimsy so get your shit together and entertain me got-dammit!
I want you to take the time to reflect on these ideas while you’re away and maybe finish the copy of Cabaret that you oh so rudely interrupted. Oh, and get your shit together. Call me when you come back to normalcy and we can open the floor again about this whole marriage thing.