Unsolicited Advice

Dear Vivian Stiviano: Save The Drama For Your Momma, Not Your Daughter. Oh, and Lose The Visor…(Unsolicited Advice)

(Illustration exclusively for WatchLOUD by Jeremy Nguyen)

Dear Vivian Stiviano,

Darling, I have no clue who you are or why you’re even famous…oh wait, you slept around with one of the most hated men (Donald Sterling) on the face of the planet. As a matter of fact, you’re the reason he’s so hated.

But now you’ve been forced into this flaming world of controversy and correct me if I’m wrong—but you seem to be having a grand old time.  We see you walking around the paparazzi flooded streets wearing your stupid futuristic visor, rollerblading around in your short shorts and matching roller skates.  Something just doesn’t seem right here.

Like, isn’t it ironic how suddenly everyone knows who you are now that the Donald Sterling scandal broke out?  And NOW you reveal that you have a four year old child and you’re pretty much accusing Sterling of being the fatherAttention: Word that rhymes with ‘smore’ ALERT.

If you’re going to feed yourself to the fame at least do it the right way:

  1. No one likes an attention-‘amore.’  If you really want to be in the limelight—at least do it in a classier way.  Maybe try acting a little heart-broken that your fling is being stepped on left and right?  Because you’re kinda coming off as a soulless gold digger.
  2. Lose the damn visor.  This is the perfect opportunity for a fashion statement and you are clearly doing it wrong.  Pick up a fashion magazine.
  3. If you’re going to let the world know that you have a child…why admit it now?  What’s the point?  Just leave her out of this mess you started.  And by posting that picture of her on Instagram, you just got the whole paparazzi urging to get a glimpse of her.  You are a wonderful mother.
  4. If you think scandals are the way to put yourself out there…you got some issues to work out.  Please, make a name for yourself by doing something normal, like getting yourself a job—posting pointless dramatic posts on Instagram does not count.

So in plain English, you are doing everything wrong.  Move on with your life, keep your daughter out of it, no one cares about your baby daddy drama.

Yours truly,

S

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