Comedy

How Hired? The Weed Rollers Resume

rolling-joint-resume

Words by Jonathan Hailey

 

Hello Mr. Flocka Flame,

I was recently made aware of your search for a skilled blunt rolling technician. I am writing to inform you I would like to be considered as a candidate for the position.

You hiring me would be to your benefit because I am a kush curator and expert who got his start at thirteen-years-old and has more than fourteen years in the substance preparation and production business. You may have seen some of my previous work in Rihanna’s recent Vine where she and her girlfriends are hitting the Shmoney Dance on a yacht or in Redman’s infamous episode of “MTV Cribs” where he had to rub wires together for the doorbell to work. I’m proud to say Redman chose to retain my services instead of looking good for television.

Redman and other high-profile figures employ me because I’m discreet and only deliver the finest quality marijuana and other drugs, as shown through the actions of Chris Brown, Bizzy Bone and Lil Scrappy. See, you didn’t even know I worked with those people. I’ve enclosed my resume below so that you can get a further understanding of my experience in the field. I look forward to your response.

Sincerely,
Blunt Roller-For-Hire

Objective:
To obtain a position managing the curation, preparation, production, and portable distribution of substances including but not limited to cannabis, codeine, and Molly.

Experience:

Director of Botanical Acquisitions
2014 Smoker’s Club Tour Starring Method Man & Redman
Established and maintained relationships with various cannabis distributors in each city of concert. Set up meetings and transportation for product drop off and arrival. Managed small team of inner-city scientists who separate, package, and store the plants by potency of strand.

Senior Associate Transportation Specialist-Recreational Purposes
GGN Network (Double G News Network)
April 2012-September 2014
Mandated to break up and prepare blunts in under seven minutes. Served as Snoop Dogg’s driver during L rides. Accepted ownership of the diabolical mind-blowing chronic aroma when questioned by authorities. Took the rap when drug possession was the case that they gave him.

Consulting Research Producer
2001 Film “How High”
Helped production run smoothly by sampling and testing the marijuana used during filming. Determined whether which strand of marijuana actually got you so inebriated you actually saw Silas in your trailer during consumption. Assisted Lark Voorhies in discovering Benjamin Franklin’s bong which may or may not have contributed in the deterioration of her face.

Assistant Substance Distribution Technician
Up In Smoke Tour (2000)
Fostered peace between artists’ respective Blood and Crip-affiliated entourages by each tour bus and dressing room was fully stocked with substances and the accompanying paraphernalia to individuals’ specifications.

FREELANCE WORK

Personal Substance Acquisition Specialist
2002-Present
Handle the purchase, distribution, preparation, and discarding of substances and their respective paraphernalia. Curate an assortment of snacks and music playlists for a variety of cravings and moods.

Skills:
Well versed in rolling with cigars, papers, cigarillos, wraps, Zig Zags or even newspaper (If necessary)
Ability to not leave blunt dripping wet while maintaining maximum hydration for rolling adhesive
Blunt Repair-savvy
Skilled at singlehandedly rolling two blunts out of one Dutch
Access to popular 90s Fronto leaf product
Proficient in rolling while driving and maintaining speeds of 70mph

References:
Snoop Dogg, Jadakiss, Rick Ross, Wiz Khalifa, and Rihanna

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