Words by Preezy
Boston Celtics point guard and NBA Champion Rajon Rondo being shipped to the Dallas Mavericks for Jameer Nelson, Jae Crowder, and future first and second round draft picks has been the topic of choice amongst basketball junkies ever since the news hit media outlets on Thursday. The move wasn’t that much of a surprise being that Rondo has been involved in trade rumors for years, not to mention that he’ll get to be an unrestricted free agent at season’s end and is unlikely to re-sign with the Celtics, who are in full rebuild mode until further notice. And even though it’s not guaranteed that he’ll even opt to stay with Dallas after this season, the addition of Rondo is the biggest domino to fall so far this season and alters the entire landscape of the Western Conference.
With the feisty floor-general considered by some as a prominent factor in the Mavericks quest for NBA dominance, we’ve come up with five ways that Rondo can immediately assist his new teammates and organization on and off the court.
Giving Monta Ellis The Passing Help He’s Always Wanted:
While considered a supremely talented combo guard since his days as a prep star in Alabama, proficiency in passing the rock is far from the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Monta Ellis. And being that Rajon Rondo has been regarded as the best assist-man in the NBA for the past few years, but couldn’t make a basket on a rim the size of Pharrell’s hat (as his career percentage of 25.1% from beyond the arc and attempting less than 1o shots from the field per game would attest), the Mavericks back-court could be the roundball version of Gang Starr, with the former Celtic dropping samples and the guru of a scorer going for broke. And hopefully with the same classic results.
Assist In Dirk Nowitzki Going Full Kamikaze:
You’ll be hard-pressed to find anyone that would speak badly about Dirk Nowitzki. From his extra-chill demeanor to his humorous and endearing commentary, dude is just cool as f*ck. How many other 7 Ft. German ballers you know with enough swag and charm to bag a Nubian queen like Jessica Olsson? But, as we all know, sometimes our kindness can be taken for weakness and we can get labeled with terms like “soft” by certain people, which has been directed toward Nowitzki in the past. On the other hand, Rajon Rondo is polarizing and can tick everyone off, from his teammates to his coaches.
Sometimes a change of scenery is all it takes for a disgruntled person to get their attitude back on the track, but if Rondo can rub a little of that scrappy killer vibe onto the Mavericks franchise player, like scolding Dirk for not holding the follow-through on is shot, or yoke up Tyson Chandler and tell him to take that silly looking grin off his face and block some f*cking shots, the squad as a whole will be better for it and reestablish their standing as a legit title contender.
Helping Chandler Parsons Get The Concept Of No New Friends:
Chandler Parsons, who signed with the Mavericks in free agency this off-season, had left his former team – the Houston Rockets – on not the best of terms. Basically butt-hurt that the Rockets didn’t match The Mav’s qualifying offer and that former BFF’s Dwight Howard and James Harden basically treated him like Rick Ross treated Pill, Parsons was visibly hurt, taking to social media to vent his frustrations. But Parsons forgot one important thing when it comes to life in general: No new friends.
Rajon Rondo has always had this memo, all but saying good riddance to Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, and Kevin Garnett when they defected from Boston to Miami and Brooklyn, respectively. You see, Rondo could give two fucks about love lost, cause he’s only in it to win. Nothing more, nothing less. So, if he can get Parsons to get with the “no fucks given” program and take Dwight Howard off his game by asking bout that high school kid he allegedly “befriended,” or mocking James Harden for being a scorned role player himself, maybe the small forward could actually prove he’s more than just a glorified Billy Hoyle and be considered a true maverick.
Assist Raymond Felton And His Woman Problems:
If you pay any attention to Twitter during the NBA season, it’s pretty common knowledge that Ray Felton is the most slandered and useless point guard in the NBA. Outside of his high school and college career, the food-loving point guard has long been underwhelming as a ball-player and is notorious for testing the sanity of New York Knicks fans, among other unfortunate fanbases. When your own wifey tries to pin a weapons possession charge on you, let’s just that you may not be the most beloved guy around and may need a life coach of sorts.
Rajon Rondo may not be liked by everyone, but he’s damn sure going to be respected. Just ask anyone who’s gotten in his crosshairs on the court. And No. 9 is way too crafty to have jezebels getting him jammed up by the law, or having pics of him surface during the off-season looking like a black Al Bundy. We all know Ray Felton needs some type of help or intervention and we elect Rondo to lead the way
Helping Mark Cuban Intimidate People On Shark Tank:
Aside from being the most engaging NBA owner of all-time, Mark Cuban is also a part-time TV star on his ABC show, Shark Tank, in which he and other business moguls toss monopoly money at start-up companies. While the members of the show can be pompous at times – especially that shmuck Kevin O’Leary, it is quite entertaining to see the contestants quiver and copp pleas for why they should get that bag of money.
So, being that Rondo is now apart of the Mavericks and that Mark Cuban is pretty open-minded, we suggest that he make Rajon the newest member of the Shark Tank brain-trust. Imagine the hilarious and sarcastic commentary that would come out of Rondo being offered the opportunity to invest in cat fur. Just the thought of all the possible memes, vines, and gifs makes us warm on the inside.
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