15 Chris Rock Marriage Quotes

Chris rock Marriage Quotes

Comedian Chris Rock has filed for divorce from his wife of 19 years. But it doesn’t make his comedic observations on marriage any less valid. Maybe more so. Here are some of his best.

“We can’t have gay marriage ’cause marriage is sacred, it happens in the church. Marriage is sacred, it’s sacred. No, it’s not, not in America, not in a country that watches ‘Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?’ and ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ and ‘Who Wants to Marry a Midget.’ Get the f*ck outta here. Sh*t, Michael Jackson got married, how f*cking sacred is that sh*t?”


“So you gotta look at OJ’s situation. He’s paying $25,000 a month in alimony, got another man driving around in his car and f*cking his wife in a house he’s still paying the mortgage on. Now I’m not saying he should have killed her… but I understand.”


“Relationships, easy to get into, hard to maintain. Why are they so hard to maintain? Because it’s hard to keep up the lie! ‘Cause you can’t get nobody being you…When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them. You’re meeting their representative.”


“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.”

date me

“If you go to eat dinner, eat with single people– single people eat for an hour and 30 minutes and leave, ’cause they’ve got f*cking to do. Married people close down a restaurant.”


“Married guys know more about women than single guys. Single guys have girlfriends. Girlfriends are always auditioning, always on their best behavior. Wives are like Supreme Court justices. They do whatever the f*ck they want.”


“Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain’t gonna be at the perfect time. You’re married, they’re single. That’s right. You’re Jewish, they’re Palestinian. You’re a Mexican, they’re a raccoon. You’re a black woman, he’s a black man.”


“I’ve got nothing against strippers. Somebody’s gotta do it. Somebody has to entertain the married men of America. Your wife will take care of you, but she ain’t gonna entertain you.” (unless she’s Amber Rose)

amberrose twerk

“Fellas, once you get married, you become your wife’s pet. YOU BECOME A F*CKING PET, ‘Cause women like to get their husbands together that don’t even know each other, and have a grown-man play date. Put you in a room with some other married motherf*ckers.”


“Nobody gets a soul mate. It don’t happen. All you’re gonna get in life, if you’re lucky, is a mate. Just a mate…It’s just f*cking and eating. And if you don’t like f*cking somebody, and you don’t like eating with ‘em, y’all don’t need to be together.”


“When you’re married, you wanna kill your spouse. When you’re single, you wanna kill yourself. If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love.”


“Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say “F*ck You.” F*ck your hopes, your dreams, your plans, everything you thought this life was gonna bring you.”


“Nobody tells you once you get married, you will never f*ck again. If you like f*cking, marriage ain’t for you. I haven’t f*cked in seven years. I’ve had intercourse. Intercourse is when she gets out of the shower on nice sheets. F*ckin is the back of a rental car.”


“If you go to a wedding and the woman’s throwing the bouquet, she ain’t throwing the bouquet, she’s throwing the p*ssy!”


“Marriage is so tough, Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison, got beat and tortured every day for 27 years and spent six months with is wife, and said, ‘I can’t take this sh*t no more. I’m outta here.'”


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