“Do not bark up that tree, that tree will fall on you/ I don’t know why your advisers ain’t forewarn you…”
So far 2015 is shaping up to be the year of “Hate On Hov.” Boxer Adrian Broner went on the attack after rebuking an offer from Roc Nation Sports and going on an expletive filled rant that he later apologized for. Even 50 Cent—the man who bites his tongue for no one—told the pugilist that he’d gone too far. Now NY radio veteran Funkmaster Flex has ditched whatever goodwill he had with Hov to go off on the air about Jay Z’s site Life + Times. Flex claims that a writer from the site contacted him for a quote about his role in the upcoming Dipset reunion and the Funkmaster took it as an underhanded move on the part of Jigga Man to get info on his business dealings. For the uninitiated, Jay Z and Dipset have a somewhat strained history, but we think this is a reach. Our guess is that Jay has as much input into the daily goings on at L+T as Flex does at InFlexWeTrust—meaning not a whole lot—but if it’s attention he was seeking he got it.
While it’s not likely that Jay will respond it’s fun to speculate, as Twitter has already in hilarious fashion. We’re listing 5 possible ways Jay Z could respond to Funkmaster Flex’s latest rant.
5. Interview with Angie Martinez
Not that Jay Z needs an excuse to go and talk to his homie Angie Martinez, now on the air at Power 105.1 after leaving Hot 97 in 2014, but he would get all of the joy in the world out of walking over to Flex’s now radio rival and giving her an exclusive sit-down to address Flex’s claims. And if he wanted to really make Flex mad, he’d give the interview to DJ Clue.
4. Take It To Wax
If Jay can use a song to take Drake to task for comments in a magazine article it’s not unrealistic to think this episode will get a few bars dedicated to it. Jay might just record a “No Flex Zone” remix with Rae Sremmurd that would break the Internet or he could do a song called “Flex Hogan” w/ the actual Hulk Hogan ranting on the hook. The video would look just like this.
3. Buy Hot 97
Jay is no stranger to big money acquisitions, having flipped an ownership stake in the Brooklyn NETs. It would be nothing to buy a radio station out of spite, hang his plaques on the walls and tell Blue to decorate the lobby in finger paint. He wouldn’t even fire Flex. He’d just make slimfit Roc-A-Wear jerseys the mandatory uniform and watch the flies drop. Jay45 has a nice ring to it.
2. Go On Vacation
“You on the radio crying, I’m learning to swim.”
Jay has been stunting on Instagram (via Mrs. Carter) with recent vacations to Iceland and Phuket, feeding baby tigers and what not. He is probably somewhere on Mars right now and the way time ripples work in space, he responded to this rant six months ago and we just didn’t realize it.
1. Shut It Down
Jay Z lawyers up and gets IFWT hit with DMCA copyright infringement cease and desist for posting Rick Ross’s “Movin Bass” (which samples Jay Z). The Feds are on their way to shut it down as we speak, so go buy that “FreeINFLEXWeTrust” domain while you can.