Much to the chagrin of my two children, both of the local movie theaters in our neighborhood have closed in the last two years. My family is running out of options to distract ourselves for a few hours with $12 popcorn, but frankly I don’t care. I hate going to the movies. There. I said it.
I do love movies, mind you. Losing myself in a fantasy world of giant robots, gravity-defying kung fu or animated fart jokes is one of the last simple pleasures left in life, but I hate theaters. Why? I hate people. No, I hate inconsiderate people.
I hate people who show up to movies late and insist on sitting in the last remaining seat in the middle of the section becoming a human shadow puppet as they bang our legs and spill Raisinettes onto everyone who got to the theater on time and sat through the quiz and the 45 previews. Fuck you.
I hate those same people who know damn well they have little bladders and will get up in the middle of the movie 15 times. You have a sitcom-sized bladder and your dumb-ass ordered a 64 oz coke. Stay your Depends-sewn-into-your-skinny-jeans ass home.
I hate the people who can’t control their kids. I don’t blame your kid for being a kid, I blame you for not knowing your kid is just not ready for movie theaters. You know your kids can barely sit still for five minutes in broad daylight so why bring them to a large, dark room with other people where you are force-feeding them solid and liquid sugar and expect them to sit still quietly for 90 minutes? You and your kid need to wait for Netflix.
I hate people who can’t shut the fuck up. You failed whispering lessons in pre-K, dude. The Ying Yang Twins and Free are giving you the side-eye. I swear on both the Scott brothers mustaches you are vocally challenged. I shouldn’t know that you have a podiatrist appointment after the movie or that your girl asked you to pick up Tampons on the way home.
I hate lazy projector operators. These shits is digital now, why is half the movie showing up on the curtain? Stop using computers running Windows 95 to play movies in 2015. We all saw the hourglass spinning on the blue screen. Get it together.
I hate movie theater concessions. It’s bad enough that we have to borrow against our 401Ks to afford the snacks, but stop advertising food items that take 15 minutes to prepare. If it takes 15 minutes to prepare that’s not a snack. Anyplace that takes 15 minutes to prepare food comes with a laminated menu, birthday singers and alcoholic options. If you’re not singing me happy birthday or serving me a rum punch don’t take 15 minutes to make my chicken fingers.
I hate movie theater floors. Why is it always sticky enough to make your feet cling to it but not enough to trap the rodents running through that bitch? What kind of Wicken viscosity magic is that?
I hate movie theater seats. In the old theaters it’s like sitting on an ironing board. And in the new theaters the stadium seats lean so far back that the person in front of you plays wack-a-mole with your knees anytime they find something funny. I was damn near crippled after 22 Jump Street.
I hate useless 3-D. I screened a 3-D movie recently and their projector operator (see above) started playing it in 2-D, so two minutes into it they stopped the film so they could run it back in 3-D. But after about 10 minutes there was nothing in the movie that utilized the effect. It was a regular ass Clinton-era movie. This has been the case for most 3-D films I’ve attended. They throw the entire effects budget into the start of the film but by the middle you wonder why the hell you even have the knock-off Blue Blockers on.
It’s not even about money. Most of the movies I see I don’t have to pay for. But if I’m paying $14 dollars for a ticket I expect to actually hear and see the movie I’m watching in relative peace. I have been to the fancy theaters that serve food at the seats and it was quite pleasant, but even if that became the norm humans would come in and eff it up. I would happily pay extra to watch new movies in the comfort of my own home with my own snacks and being able to pause it when I wanted.
More importantly, I think the socially inept people listed in this piece would benefit from watching the movies at home as well. I can hear you yelling, “But what about the people working at the theaters? They’ll be out of a job!” Well, somebody used to get paid to to rewind VHS tapes at Blockbuster, too. Progress comes at a cost.
Death to movie theaters.