Comedy

6 Important Things LinkedIn Doesn’t Tell Me…But Should

office-space-bolton

Like millions of other professionals I have a LinkedIn profile. For the most part it is pretty useful for connecting with people in my industry and keeping up with my peers’ career moves. But there are some things—more practical things—that I wish the career networking site could implement to help with the decisions that really matter.

6. Instead of “You’re Getting Noticed”…

This pseudo-stalker feature is creepy as hell. They send you an alert saying “hey, you’re getting noticed” as if this was a Tinder profile instead of a job search. You know what I need a notification of? “You’re getting a raise.” Yup. We need data on how much other people are making in our field and when our salary dips below the average we get a “you’re getting jerked” alert.

youcantaffordme

5. Instead of “Suggested jobs”…

I need suggested places to eat. I want to know what the people in my field are planning for lunch. Not the obligatory Instagram post that comes too late (you’re already eating). I need a heads up around 11:30am on where the lobster roll truck is gonna be. Ok? Thanks.

omnomnom

4. Instead of “So-and-So has new connections”

Show me the people they DON’T fuck with so I can avoid them. That is WAY more useful to me personally and professionally.

tyler i dont like you

And while we’re on the topic of who we fuck with..

3. Instead of “People You May Know”

We need “People You May Have Slept With.” This may go hand-in-hand with the “people we don’t fuck with” notification but they are not synonymous.  Knowing if that one visiting student you shagged during senior week in college is now the VP of Sales at the company you have an interview with is intel that would make us actually sign up for the premium service. How do we find these people? Cross reference the colleges, fraternal/sorority affiliations and dates of graduation with vices listed under ‘interests’ and geo target people within a 20-mile radius. Throw that info into a probability engine and voila. The “Might-have-fucked” alert is born.

TrueBlood_EP04_Pam

2. Instead of “Celebrating 6 Years of…”

The annual notifications are nice and we all like to like them but I need to be able to memorialize skills and experiences that go overlooked. For example “James is celebrating 5 years of not stapling his boss’s tongue to a cork board” or “Jennifer is celebrating 3 years of freelancing in New York without selling ALL of her blood.”  I personally would like to list “Not giving a fuck” as a skill but I’m pretty sure profanity is not allowed in their terms of service.

wolfofwallstreet

1. Instead of “Job History”…

I need your Secret Santa Gift history. What you buy your colleagues under duress during the holidays tells me a lot more about your character and fiduciary skills than how well you organize an Excel spreadsheet. Can you be thoughtful, witty and unique in $20 or less? Do you know that alcohol is the gift that keeps on giving? These are things we need to know about people we want to work with and for.

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