Dance pop legend and 2015 BET Awards honoree Janet Jackson is making a comeback in a major way. She recently dropped a sexy, laid back groove called “No Sleep” in advance of her upcoming tour.
Janet’s comeback record is a warning to her man to rest up because there will be no shut eye when she finally gets a hold of him. We all know damn well that after two nuts we BOTH are asleep, but it sounds awesome to say.
The hyperbole–outlandish claims not to be taken literally–is something musicians have been employing since the beginning of time.
That got us thinking about other artists who made big statements in their records. Although there are millions, check out ten songs that almost took the hyperbole too far.
1. Ciara – “Ciara To The Stage” (2009)
Lyric: “I’m gonna love you to no limit. You so sexy come over here. Baby you can get it all.”
Atlanta performer Ciara tried to recreate the success she saw with the slow jam “Promise” by whipping up another one of those sexy slow burners. “Ciara To The Stage” didn’t live up to the bar “Promise” set, but she did go in for the kill with the hyperbole. One of the sweet nothings Ci Ci whispers in her lover’s ear is that there’s no end in sight to the sexual performance she’s about to lay down. If Russell Wilson’s shawty rides the beat the way she says she does, that’s got to be what sex with a Ringling Brothers acrobat/contortionist is like. While that sounds amazing, everybody has their limit. Don’t sex me to death the first go round. I want to live to reenact the experience.
2. Chico DeBarge – “Iggin Me” (1997)
“Does he take 500 years of slavery out on it?“
The first thing Chico DeBarge did when he was released from prison in the late nineties was make an album. Most of the songs on his album Long Time, No See deal with sex as a subject matter. You know all of that pent up tension had to be channeled somewhere. DeBarge’s single “Iggin Me” found him pissed off because his woman moved on to another lover while he was doing his bid. In an effort to remind her of how good he was in the sack, Chico asks that ridiculous question. Think about it. If a man takes 500 years of slavery out on a woman’s lady parts, that’s a lot of pain, whipping, oppression, bloodshed and tears. Rough sex is cool, but women bleed once a month as is. They certainly aren’t trying to have men add to that excruciating pain.
3. R. Kelly – “The Zoo” (2007)
“Girl, I got you so wet it’s like a rainforest. Like Jurassic Park except I’m your sex-a-saurus baby. You and me hoppin like two kangaroos.“
Nobody does creepy sex metaphors and hyperbole like Robert Sylvester Kelly. They always seem to start out semi-enticing and then nosedive into unimaginable depths of filth. The hit maker’s 2007 song boasts the couple’s lovemaking will be so wild and primal that animals can relate. However, he loses steam with the Jurassic Park references. Dinosaurs laid eggs and if you’re stroking so hard you two look like kangaroos, somebody is definitely going to have to come out of their pocket for a new mattress and box spring. IKEA furniture was not made for any Crocodile Dundee type action.
4. Dave Hollister – “One Woman Man” (2000)
“We absolutely didn’t care. We would do it anywhere. Eye contact and it was over.“
R&B veteran Dave Hollister delivered one of the best songs about male maturity in relationships with “One Woman Man.” He flashes back to a time when he was sowing his wild oats when he runs into an ex-girlfriend. They would make sex an adventure and do it anywhere they felt the urge. That sounds great and all, but it paints an unrealistic picture. First off, who has time to have sex at the drop of a dime?! Live in that blissful state of ignorance if you want, meanwhile back in reality, the getting arrested for public indecency struggle is real. You have fun with that.
5. SWV – “All Night Long” (1995)
“And baby you know I keep it special each and every time. I never do nothing once and ever quite the same.”
Before lead singer Coko rededicated her life to the Lord, she–along with LeeLee and Taj– was one of the most sexual singers around. From the gate, they let men know they wanted us to go “downtown” and didn’t care if we were another woman’s man. They added to the bedroom skills resume with the Babyface-penned tune “All Night Long.” Coko assures her cuddy buddy that she’s got infinity and one tricks up her sleeve to satisfy him until the crack of dawn. This sounds like an experience to remember, but will there be rest periods? Will a sandwich be provided sometime throughout the evening? Or an IV?
6. Usher – “Caught Up” (2004)
“Her body was so tight, I’m looking for her in the daytime with a flashlight.“
It was a change for Usher to sing a song about being sprung over a woman since he’s positioned himself as a mack since his debut. However, Ursh proved he was in crazy, stupid love when he was outside looking for his girl with a flashlight-during the day. Imagine walking down the street and seeing a person using a flashlight when the sun is beaming. Imagine your facial reaction to seeing this. Enough said.
7. Joe – “All The Things Your Man Won’t Do” (1996)
“I won’t stop until I hear your mother scream.“
Joe doesn’t get enough credit for the music he delivers. This cut is one of the best side piece anthems ever written. The crooner vows to ravish his lady on exotic beaches as she clutched her pearls. The song mentions him not ceasing their rhythm until he hears her mother scream. Wouldn’t that mean her mom has to walk in on them in the act? “Yes, Mom, please come in as I continue to have sex with my boyfriend,” said no daughter ever.
8. Babyface – “Seven Seas” (1996)
“Baby, I’ll walk around the China Wall for you.“
If he can’t do anything else, Babyface can write a love song that makes even the hardest gangsta catch all of the feels. The legendary producer/composer was so in love with then-wife Tracey Edmonds after the birth of his first child he wrote a song for her. “Seven Seas” illustrated how far Babyface would go to prove his love. He said he would walk around the Great Wall of China for her. Maybe Babyface forgot that the Great Wall is 13, 171 miles long. So in theory, Babyface was content in walking more than 26, 341 just so his wife would know that she’s loved. That’s so romantic, but even those geeky white boy rockers, The Proclaimers, only committed to walking 500 miles and then 500 more. Babyface never had his saccharine bluff called because it would literally take a year (365.84 days) to walk around the Great Wall.
9. Trey Songz – “I Invented Sex” (2008)
“Girl, you gon think I invented sex.”
Trey Songz has always been a confident R&B heartthrob. He was millimeter away from jumping the shark when he declared he was so good in the sack women would swear Trigga was the creator. Sir, a seat awaits your arrival. Everyone knows God invented sex that’s why when it’s really good everyone calls His name.
10. Sevyn Streeter – “Sex on the Ceiling” (2013)
“Gravity’s left the building. I’ll be on top, really ill be on the bottom cause we gon be having sex on the ceiling.”
Sevyn Streeter is a beautiful singer-songwriter who’s coming into her own as an artist. C. Breezy’s artist scribed a track about getting busy in the absence of gravity. Sounds interesting, but blood rushing to one head is really enough to get the party going for us. And being upside down is just begging for all that fine wine and dining before sex to make a reappearance in the least attractive way.