Movies

5 Celebrity Christmas Crimes The Krampus Would Kill For

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Krampus sounds like a huge pain in the ass and that’s not a coincidence. The horned anti-Claus of German folklore makes the Grinch look like a moldy green blob of figgy pudding. Instead of bringing gifts, the killjoy punishes kids on Christmas for misbehaving. We’re talking no wi-fi passwords for anybody level torture. This antlered antipode of St. Nick knows when you’ve been sleeping, knows when you’re awake, and like most stalkers and sociopaths with good marketing teams he’s getting his own dose of screen time.

The horror comedy Krampus takes us inside a dysfunctional family that is thrown together for the Holidays and no one seems to give a mangy manger about the true spirit of Christmas. One little boy named Max is the last hold-out, wanting nothing but Christmas’s of old where folks at least excused themselves after belching egg nog, but even he is pushed to his limit and wishes the whole holiday a slow death. After he shreads his letter to Santa and tosses it in the wind, he inadvertently summons the demon Krampus, who literally goes fishing for fat kids in chimneys, among other holiday horrors. Can this family of Scrooges make it right before they all get hung by the chimney with care?

Krampus opens in theaters today, and while this fictitious fiend dates back to the 16th century, this monster is made for modern times. Here are 5 celebrity incidents that prove humanity has abandoned the Christmas spirit.

5. December 21st 2009, Gilbert Arenas pulls guns on teammate.

One-time NBA All-Star for the Washington Wizards took his franchise back to their Baltimore Bullets days over an $1,100 card game debt. Agent Zero got into a heated argument with then teammate Javaris Crittendon on a post-game flight. According to then teammate Caron Butler’s memoire, the verbal dispute lead to threats of “playing with guns” and actual loaded weapons being pointed in the locker room the next day. Arenas was later charged and suspended by the league but disputes Butlers account in his book. Crittendon plead guilty to manslaughter in 2015 in an unrelated incident and was sentenced to 23-year jail term.

It’s not cool to play with guns, kids.

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4. December 25, 2014. Dustin Diamond, aka Screech, stabs man in bar fight.

Actor Dustin Diamond always had the perfect pro wrestler name to me and this one Christmas night he proved me right. A Wisconsin man in a bar pushed Diamond to his limit and caught a buck 50 to the armpit. The owner of the bar alleged that the fight occurred over pictures the man was taking of the “Saved By The Bell” star. He was later convicted of carrying a concealed weapon and disorderly conduct. The moral of the story is don’t go to bars on Christmas night, kids. But if you must, leave the switchblade at home.

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3. December 25, 2009 Woman Goes Bobby Boucher On Pope Benedict

If there isn’t a faster way to swipe your E-Z Pass to hell than this we don’t know of one. 25-year-old Susanna Maiolo, vaulted over security barriers at St. Peter’s Basilica and dived on top of 82-year-old Benedict XVI, tackling him to the floor. A French Cardinal also caught the residual fade and a broken hip. Evidently Maiolo was a habitual line stepper, having tried to attack the Pope the year before, but was stopped. Maybe not coincidentally, years later this Pope turned in his Mitre and became the first pontiff to resign the position in over 500 years.

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2. December 25, 2009, Charlie Sheen Does Charlie Sheen Shit

The embattled TV and movie star spent Christmas day in jail after being arrested for assaulting his wife Brooke Mueller and criminal mischief. Sheen claimed self defense but was carted off to Pitkin County Jail and freed on $8500 bond. He plead guilty to a misdemeanor third-degree assault charge and was sentenced to 30 days in rehab, 30 days probation and 36 hours of anger management. A year later in a now infamous Good Morning America interview he would deny that he was violent but was on a drug called “Charlie Sheen” that is “Not available, if you try it once you will die and your children will weep over your exploded body.”

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1. December 25, 2013, Chad Johnson Seizes The Day

The former NFL star was getting in some last minute Christmas shopping at a Florida Toys R Us but didn’t realize that he was wearing a shirt from the naughty list. The black and white tee sported the uncensored phrase “Carpe That F*cking Diem” across the front. While this was not technically a crime (no one called him in for public indecency) he admitted in a statement to TMZ that “I should’ve went in with no shirt.” Hey Chad, maybe leave the inspirational messages to DJ Khaled.

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And you wonder why a demon goat man is coming to claim us all this season.

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