Words by Tai Saint-Louis
Unless you were under a rock or generally don’t care about rap goings ons, you already know that Kanye West unleashed all of his talents and crazy onto the universe, the interwebs and Madison Square Garden yesterday afternoon with the simultaneous presentation of the latest season of the Yeezy clothing line and the first public broadcast of the album formerly known as Swish and W.A.V.E.S.
“The Yeezy Season 3” show capped off almost 24 straight hours of Kanye-mania between the new album title revealed as an acronym, the twitter guessing game, the tracklist and song lyrics. Those lucky enough to score tickets to the sold out Madison Square Garden event or crazy enough to pay $20 or more to watch this free Tidal stream on a movie screen were treated to the kind of s**t show that no one else could have pulled off. It was crazy, stuntastic and all types of chaotic. And will probably go down in history as one of Kanye’s most brilliant undertakings.
But naturally, we all have questions.
1. Who exactly is playing the “Only One” game besides Kanye?
Kanye went through great pains to demonstrate how much work he put into his first video game, “Only One,” dedicated to his late mother Donda West. According to Kanye players are tasked with guiding his mother’s spirit to the pearly gates. This is great deal of undue pressure for even the biggest Kanye fan. This is your mama, and if our fingers are not steady and we fail in our task we have to watch her fall from grace? Over and over? Your heart was in the right place Yeezy but not everything makes for a good time waster on the train. This should have been a bonus level on a whole other game like the fluffy unicorn stage in “Minion Rush.” Don’t ask how I know about that. Just…don’t.
2. Who is advising Lamar Odom these days?
Listen, we were all very excited to hear that Lamar Odom was not only out of rehab and healthy enough to travel from L.A. to New York, we were glad to see him walk out with Kanye at Madison Square Garden. In fact, we’re pretty sure everyone involved with and watching this whole thing unfold was happier about it than Lamar. We could be wrong, but he just didn’t look like that was really what he wanted life to be about on his first back to his hometown after almost losing his life. And imagine how bittersweet that had to be. The Garden? Where he’s probably never going to play again?
3. How is it even possible that the sound system wasn’t ready when Kanye reached that sound-booth-turned-stage at Madison Square Garden?
We will probably never know how many villages could have been fed for multiple years with the budget Adidas and D.O.N.D.A. allocated to the Yeezy 3 show. But we know enough to know that it was nowhere near cheap. So how could there possibly have been audio glitches? All Kanye was doing was plugging in a laptop and talking into a mic. That should’ve been the one part of the whole afternoon that went off perfectly. But it wasn’t. If we were spending that kind of money, we would have been pissed. To be honest, we’re surprised Kanye didn’t shut the whole thing down!
Matter of fact, let’s talk about that whole setup. Kanye and his team dedicated the entire floor of The Garden to the Yeezy Season 3 “performance”… but there was nothing even remotely resembling a stage. Kanye’s rapper friends kept showing up late, interrupting the flow of the music he was playing. And, in addition to the models standing like mannequins on two elevated platforms, there was just a bunch of people standing around. The only reason we know these people didn’t just randomly gain access to the stage is that they were all wearing Yeezy attire. You book Madison Square Garden for a glorified listening party and you had that thing looking like the Swap Meet on a Saturday morning? Come on, Kanye!
4. What is the largest women’s size in this third presentation of the house of Yeezy?
We’re so happy to see that the rations on the amount of cotton Kanye can use in this Adidas collaboration has increased considerably from the previous collections. They even have color this season! What a time to be alive indeed! But we couldn’t help but notice that big girls don’t seem to be invited to the party. Hell, thick girls would have to be super confident to pull those looks… wait, no one’s wearing any of that stuff in real life. Never mind.
5. Has Kanye’s family been kicked out of the Kardashian-West clan?
Somewhere about halfway through his presentation, Kanye took time to shout out his wife and her sisters and to thank Balmain director Olivier Rousteign for rush-designing the family’s outfits for the Yeezy 3 show. To the left of Kim was Anna Wintour. In the row in front of them were 50 Cent and Lil Kim. Everyone else in that section was not of immediately identifiable African descent. And even if they were, the only family Kanye thanked was his music family – he presented his new project with John Monopoly, Pusha T, 2 Chainz, Iman Shumpert and a few more familiar faces around. So where are the Wests Yeezy didn’t marry or help make? Why didn’t they get any Balmain? Couldn’t they at least have gotten H&M Balmain? Are his only relatives the cousins who kidnapped his laptop for ransom?
6. What kind of conversation ensues in the Kardashian-West home after Kanye proclaims to the entire universe that he and Taylor Swift should probably have sex at some point?
Kim, this one’s for you sis. In the two months since you presumably gave Ye the gift he had always been waiting for, a son, he’s made it clear that he’s not all the way over his ex, made you kick it with her, and now, that first line in “Famous.”
“For all my Southside niggas that know me best
I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex
Why? I made that bitch famous
I made that bitch famous”
Sis, how exactly is all of this working out for you? Because even Taylor Swift’s little brother felt a way about that line. But you, you’re good? Ok Kim, girl. If you like it, we love it.
7. Why is “poverty” the general aesthetic profile of the Yeezy Brand?
In the first season, Yeezy had folks looking like survivors of some kind of apocalyptic disaster. In season 2, Yeezy borrowed heavily from the residents of Zion – you know the outside-of-the-Matrix town from The Matrix. This year, Kanye is clearly going for 70s Star Trek meets the yard. You know which yard we mean. There’s definitely a straight jacket in this collection. And the poor, poor standing models looked so hungry and dejected by the time Kanye got halfway through his album. Even Young Thug eventually tapped out.
Speaking of these poor hungry models, let’s talk about these performance rules for a moment.
How, Sway? And why are the typos so glaring?
8. Is anyone more obsessed, impressed or fascinated with Kanye’s peen than him?
This fool said he wants to put a Go-Pro on his penis? And this wasn’t even on the song where he explained that sleeping with Kanye West changes lives. We need one of the exes who threatened to leak sex tapes during the Wiz vs. Kanye Twitter War of 2016 to step up and explain to us exactly what’s going on over there.
9. Do you understand the magnitude of Kanye’s stunting?
He somehow convinced Veronica Webb, Alek Wek and Naomi Campbell come out of retirement to model plain black cat suits in his fashion show. Veronica Webb is 50 years old. No one else could have made her do that. But this is the Stunt King! Remeber that time when Kanye had Swizz Beatz pregnant wife come to the studio just to record a small percentage of the ad-libs in “All Of The Lights”?
Also, please give him some credit for his generosity. Ray J was off somewhere being in love and celebrating his sister’s birthday. He was chilling. Hard. And all of a sudden, Kanye delivered the gift of relevance for the next 36 hours or so. You’re welcome Ray J.
10. Where’s the album, Yeezy?
As of this morning, we still haven’t received the masterpiece that is The Life of Pablo. Did Martin Shkreli succeed in hating on everyone else who wants to hear this album by offering to pay $10 million to become the only person who has access to this album? Prior to Wu-Tang’s brilliant campaign to get a single person to buy their album, would Martin have even thought to fix his face to ask Kanye something like this? How much longer will Martin Shkreli even be a thing?
UPDATE: The album is now streaming on TIDAL. It was briefly up for sale on KanyeWest.com and is rumored to be available on iTunes at 3:00pm.