The only thing Kevin Hart loves more than his kids is making fun of them. Since his first stand-up special in 2009, I’m a Grown Little Man, his children Heaven and Hendrix have been the inspiration for some of his funniest bits. A lot has changed with Hart in the last few years–new wife, a gang of new movies–but in his new film What Now? his tried and true familial foils are present as ever and audiences find out just how much his kids have grown.
“It does piss me off that my kids don’t have any edge…private school kids [are soft]” he laments. His son calls his slippers “flops” and runs down the stairs in horror because the wi-fi is down. The privilege is real.
But before you go and take in the hilarity that is What Now? we’ve provided a brief timeline of all the jokes that Kevin Hart has made at his children’s expense.
I’m A Grown Little Man (2009)
1.“Two kids, two car seats. That’s depressing right there. Ever try to talk to a girl with carseats in your car? It won’t happen, it’s depressing.”
2.“When you got more than one kid you just wake up angry….heads in beds right now! I don’t even know what that means. I just yell at my son, cuz he’s 9 months but he’s a man though…hold ya head still boy!”
3.“You be wanting to fight a kid. Kids are assholes. My daughter is a asshole. We argue. She can’t even talk, she know a couple words. Every time I tell her something she tell me something back. Make me mad. We got into an argument over juice the other day. She came into the room ‘Daddy Juice’ and I said no, you’ve had enough juice, go get some water. She said “Gam goo gaao JUICE. I looked at her like who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?!”
4.“I think kids play too rough. Me and this boy got into at Chuck E. Cheese. He was throwing balls at my daughter’s head. And my daughter so damn stupid she thought it was a game, she playing.”
5.“His baby was looking at my son so his baby got dizzy and fell. I said look at that dumb ass baby. I didn’t kick his baby, I just moved his baby away from my baby. I didn’t want that dumb stuff to wear off.”
Seriously Funny (2010)
6.“I used to talk about my son being a dumb baby. But now I realize he’s not dumb, he just does dumb shit…my baby is weird. When he gets mad he gets in the oven. Then get’s an attitude with me when I get him out.”
7.“My daughter is spoiled…she knows how to play me and her mom against each other. She came in the room and hit me with soft voice, “Dad, can I have a cookie?” I said yeah baby come on. I start walking toward the kitchen, out of nowhere all I hear is, “Don’t GIVE HER NO GODDAMN COOKIE!”
8.“I don’t like it when I tell my kids to do stuff and do exactly what I say. I want you to do what I say, but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it. Don’t do it the way you want to do it, do it the way I saw you doin it when I told you to do it.”
“My Biggest Fear”
9.“It’s very hard to take a kid out of play mode. When they playing they don’t know shit just got real…
My daughter said we got monsters daddy. There’s a bunch of monsters in here, the prince came out and told us to get in the castle. The castle was at the top of the bunk bed. When we got up there there was too many people in the castle, soo…somebody had to go. We took a vote, she lost and I kicked her off.”
Laugh At My Pain (2011)
“Disneyland/ Birthday Party”
10.“There was a point in time in the park where I lost my daughter. But I didn’t panic when I lost her because we were the only ones in the park. I knew eventually I would run into her again. So I used that time to go on rides she couldn’t get on. She’s only 5. When I saw her she was crying I was like don’t be a bitch. It’s not your birthday. Today is not about you.”
11.“I didn’t like the way way Spongebob was playing with the kids…he was calling the kids bitches, come on Spongebob. He was playing “Duck, Duck N*gga” with the kids. He never said goose. “Duck, duck, n*gga! go!”
12. “If a kid falls in a bouncer no other kid gives a shit. Nothing stops. This little girl fell in a bouncer I saw every little boy in there step on her face.”
Let Me Explain (2013)
13. “My son really thinks that he’s Spider-man. When he gets mad he webs me little boy takes a truck from my son. My son takes the truck back, “Mine!” Little boy comes back and starts whooping my son’s ass…my son get’s mad, rolls over and ssssss. What the fuck are you doin, man? It’s not real!…I run over and grab the little boy off my son. This is the longest walk ever back to the car. He just kept looking at his hand like “I don’t know what happened dad. I dunno what happened.”
Kevin Hart’s What Now? is in theaters now. Check local listings for theaters and times!